Fifty-One Reasons Why Punk Is Now Sadder Than Hippie.

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Fifty-One Reasons Why Punk Is Now Sadder Than Hippie.

1. Punk is 30.

2. Never trust anyone over thirty.

3. CBGB is closed.

4. Joe Strummer is dead.

5. Joey Ramone is dead.

6. Dee Dee Ramone is dead.

7. Johnny Ramone is dead.

8. Marky Ramone wears a wig.

9. Tommy Ramone plays bluegrass.

10. Stiv Bators is dead.

11. Johnny Thunders is dead.

12. Arthur Killer Kane is dead.

13. My lucky number.

14. Jerry Nolan is dead.

15. The Two York Dolls. Sorry, but it’s cabaret, old chum.

16. The MC3, with Evan Dildo from the Lemonheads standing in for Rob Tyner – who’s dead - on vox and Marshall Crenshaw replacing Fred Sonic Smith - who’s also dead - on guitar.

17. Too many old punks crying in their beer about all their dead heroes.

18. Too many old punks who haven’t been out of the bag since 1978.

19. Too many young punks dressing up in mall-purchased gear with logos by bands that died off half a decade before they were born meticulously painted on the backs of their meticulously studded leather jackets.

20. Too many young punks who consider the Offspring, Rancid and Green Day ‘their’ Sex Pistols, Clash and Buzzcocks.

21. 1994: the Year Punk Broke.

22. Never trust anyone under thirty.

23. Ahh, my other lucky number.

24. Fat punks in tracksuits and leather jackets that haven’t fit since 1982.

25. Bald punks spiking up whatever’s left.

26. Bald, fat, sartorially challenged punks resurrecting their insanely obscure bands with themselves as the only original member along with the neighbor’s kids just to churn out quarter-century-old material that no one has ever heard. Or should.

27. Punk parents raising their kids on punk.

28. Punk parents bringing their kids to gigs.

29. Punk weekenders at Butlin’s Holiday Camp.

30. Holidays in the Wasted Rebellion Festivals with the same yearly line up of bands down to one original member (and it’s usually the bass player).

31. The most radical part of Holidays in the Wasted Rebellion fest is the acoustic stage.

32. Bands with no original members: The Angelic Upstarts, One Way System, and the Lurkers come to mind.

33. Bands that replace their guitarists and singers not once, not twice but three times: Menace comes to mind.

34. Bands that have reformed without their original lead singers: Discharge, Sham 69, The Dead Boys and the Undertones, all once vital, now dead vinyl. Only The Ruts get a pass. Keep yr. chin up, Mr. Fox. We love you.

35. Lead singers refusing to admit they’re actually solo artists by repeatedly hiring young guns in order to keep up the pace: sorry Charlie, that means you, Mr. Harper. And you too, Wattie, Becky, Mickey Business and Animal Nowhere League.

36. The new Stooges CD.

37. The new New York Dolls CD.

38. New Buzzcocks records.

39. New Steve Diggle records.

40. A 30+ year-old Rezillos.

41. Sum 41? Blink 182? Numbers? Questions?

42. Size-zero models in Seditionaries clothing strutting on Paris runways.

43. Seditionaries gear in high-brow West End galleries like the Horse Hospital.

44. Diana recently being hailed as the Punk Princess.

45. Members of the Royal Family spotted wearing Vivienne Westwood designs.

46. New York Times gleeful reportage on suburban tweens shopping at Trash and Vaudeville with their parents for leather trousers and hair color.

47. Bono from U2 thinks he’s Mother Theresa.

48. Mike Peters from the Alarm thinks he’s Bono.

49. Morrissey is a Cockney Rejects fan.

50. Alan Parker, nuff said.

51. Punk’s Year Zero is 1976. Period.

DS Troy O’Boi – tMx 30 – 07/07