The Identity Thieves

watch out

The Identity Thieves

The Identity Thieves began life as an urban myth sometime during the long hot summer of 2004. Bored to death with their day-jobs - & hell-bent on altering the future course of rock’n’roll – Diesel (Vocals), Robson (Gtr), Wellard (Bass) & Cromer (Drums) - first names only for these nutters - began to hatch their plans for world domination in earnest. Rehearsals soon got underway in a disused Car Wash behind Bicester Village Overspill Car Park. The electricity to power their amps was cunningly diverted from a nearby Little Chef - via 30m of 16mm 4 core SWA. No Health & Safety Method Statement was submitted prior to installation – in direct contravention of the Health & Safety At Work Act & the Electricity At Work Act. As I implied: The Identity Thieves are fucking with convention.

Lyrically acute, as well as politically motivated, The Identity Thieves vibrant blend of polemic & rhetoric is complimented by an uncompromising sound, questionable ethics & an alarming obsession with Radio Birdman regalia – as vocalist, Diesel explains:

Diesel – “We fucked about with a short-list, name-wise, & took the list out on the piss one night in Banbury. Extensive interaction with ‘our public’ over several frothy beers reduced the list to one feasible candidate: The Identity Thieves. I’d just like to say a massive ‘fanx’ to all the piss-heads of Banbury: today your advice, tomorrow your cash!”

The Identity Thieves mailing list is a vital component of their ‘operation’:

Wellard – “To be honest, the mailing list is where it’s at, funding wise. Nobody bothers with advances anymore – you’ve only got to pay it back! We were offered a sizeable advance from EMI Publishing but in the end we decided to ‘go it ourselves’ & formed our own publishing company as a subsidiary of Hack It & Sell It Ltd, our marketing division.”

Cromer – “I was in telesales before I joined this group so I still have plenty of decent spamming contacts - & my brother sells personal information to the Russian Mafia & any Serbian warlords he’s retained contact with – but – to be honest – some of them are quite hard to e-mail right now.”

Robson – “Before The Identity Thieves I used to play lead mirror in the Gruber Street Cash Point Crashers mob – out of Hounslow. I fucked it all up though – cos of one lousy digit! How was I to know the cunt was MI5?”

The utter frustration of being young & on the streets in 2005 pours from The Identity Thieves music like perspiration from an accountant’s brow. Modern anthems like “What Overdraft?”, “Can I Take Your Sort Code?”, “Sorry To Disturb You At Home” & “ASBO” seethe with righteous anger - & just a hint of indignation.

Cromer – “People can either grasp what we’ve got – connect to it, like – or they won’t. I’m not gonna preach & preach like some kind of fucking evangelist.”

Wellard – “This fucking country is going down the fucking toilet, right? We’re just doing something about it. Standing up & being counted. It’s all about being counted. The only notes that count are the ones that come in wads. Ha ha!”

The Identity Thieves have been gigging since January of this year - & have already clocked up an impressive collection of support slots:

Robson – “Yeah, going out with The Tax Returns & The VAT Regs at the beginning of April was a massive boost. We played to some fantastic audiences up & down the country - & garnered some very sellable information. At the end of the day, we wouldn’t have been able to record the first single otherwise – or have been able to bung Cromer’s mum £200 for a baby sitter so she didn’t have to leave the twins in the shed while she went to Portugal. We’re hoping to go out with Customs & Excise in October.”

The Identity Thieves debut 45 – the stonking “ASBO” – was recorded on a shoestring at Laces Studios in Bicester - & will be released on Personal Dtails Records (via Southern) – HYPERLINK "http://www.personal-D-tails.co.uk" www.personal-D-tails.co.uk - on Oct 22nd 2005. Backed with the equally visceral “Chip & Pin” – this 7” vinyl only release is sure to set the underground alight like an abandoned rucksack on a darkened platform.

Opening with a recorded telephone message alerting us that, “We are sorry, but all of our advisers are busy right now. Please call back later” – before a wall of feedback heralds in the drums. The guitars are heavier than metal – the vocals drip with sarcasm - & it’s all over in under 2 minutes. “ASBO” is a calling card for a disaffected nation:

“You thought you were cool when you set light to my sister.
That’s why I shot at your mum, it’s a pity I missed her.
I don’t give a fuck what your big brother says,
I put a dog turd through your gran’s letter-box!

Don’t try & tell me what I’ve gotta do,
I don’t take my orders from you,
I don’t give a damn, I don’t fuckin’ care,
I’m gonna chop your liver out & set light to your hair.

ASBO – yeah, that’s gonna stop me.
ASBO – we know where you live.
ASBO – no jail’s gonna hold me.
ASBO – we know where you live.”

Already picking up extensive airplay on Radio 1, The Identity Thieves are set to record their debut Zane Lowe session next month:

Zane Lowe – “Ripper. These dudes are surely cutting it up like an iceberg breaker in a deep freeze! They’ve gotta be the most exciting act out of Bicester since Budgie. This is the hottest record in the world right now. I can’t wait to get them in Medium Vale – our exclusive BBC recording suite.”

The Identity Thieves have also found a home on the local radio circuit, as Cromer expands:

Cromer – “Yeah, I wouldn’t pooh pooh local radio. They’ve been queuing up in droves to join the mailing list ever since we went on. They’re more gullible in rural areas – makes our job a whole bunch easier.”

In a further bid to ensure chart success, The Identity Thieves have sub-contracted “Asbo” out to several different production teams for ‘re-construction’, as Wellard explains:

Wellard: “We realised fairly early doors that although we’re strictly a Punk Rock group we could be jeopardising our careers by sticking to one genre – so we decided to commission remixes in every available genre to maximise our airplay potential – my favourite was the Lounge Mix we did with Paul Wanker. Honestly, I never believed I’d get to work with a legend. I Love my fucking job.”

To join the The Identity Thieves mailing list – simply fill out the form below & return it to the address at the foot of the page:
Name:  
Address:  
Date Of Birth:  
Place Of Birth:  
National Insurance Number:  
Passport Number:  
Bank:  
Bank Account Number:  
Sort Code:  
Security Code:  
Pin Number:  
Savings Account Details:  
Mother’s Maiden name:  
E-mail Address:  

Return to:
The Identity Thieves,
PO Box Number 1482,
Bicester,
BR34 HU7

Jean Encoule – tMx 21 – 08/05
Contact: wastebin@trakMARX.com   trakMARX.com - Punk Rock …and Roll