Cunt Of The Month.

Stop being nice, you said. What happened to all that nasty shit, you said? Slag some fat cunt off, pronto. You said. OK. Enough, already. It’s back – by popular demand – hang em high, baby, it’s Cunt Of The Month.

Chris Spoilt was genetically created in the laboratories of FatBastard GeneCore Ltd as part of an infertility experiment involving Mr & Mrs Craig Spoilt of Rochdale. Hideously overweight as an embryo, Chris piled on the pounds with glee as a child. He developed a taste for Lager & cheap Chinese curries at a relatively early age & was know at Rochdale Junior Strollers Nursery as “the stinky fat cunt” (but only by the teachers). Chris was as unpopular in childhood as he is today, & only slightly less over paid. He was often accused of making the classroom smell of piss & had to stand outside on his own for periods of up to 3 years. Friends were as few & far between as baths. No one had a good word to say about Chris, except his P.E. teacher, who found him perfect for keeping moles off the tennis courts.

By the time Chris was old enough to attend Junior school, the local council had been flooded with petitions & anonymous demands to have the child put down. Several local abattoirs offered to dispose of him free of charge but a counter protest from The League Of Gentlemen Against Child Disposal Association Of Rochdale raised public awareness above comatose & the plans had to be scrapped.

Over the ensuing 8 years, Chris was often the subject of meetings at Rochdale Town Hall. Public pressure to have the child hung, drawn & quartered was constant. Never in the field of human existence has one child been despised by so many for so long. Untreatable body odour & rancid halitosis meant Chris had to be educated alone for most of his Senior school years. A special septic tank was installed at the bottom of a specifically designed shaft that terminated directly beneath Dante’s 7 levels of hell. Chris’ assignments were thrown down to him via a unique fibre optic channel that also handled the detritus his classmates loved to tip on him every hour of the day.

Chris finally left school with an RSA in Advanced Obesity & O-level Masturbation. The school declared a public holiday the day he left & street parties were thrown all over Rochdale. The community was united in its celebration of Chris’ coming of age & clubbed together to buy him a 1 way ticket to London.

Chris Spoilt finally arrived in London in the mid 90s, causing a further split with the UK & her nearest European neighbours. France, Belgium & parts of Holland immediately put in a request to The Hague to have their lands towed 236km further East in a bid to escape the smell being wafted in their general direction by cross channel winds.

Not long afterwards, Chris began his search for sustainable employment. He found his first job cleaning sewers working for We Eat Shit So You Don’t Have To Tread In It Ltd of Hackney. Chris’ appetite was perfect for the position & his metabolism enabled him to process the sewerage & produce a useful uranium based by-product (which was swiftly exported to Iraq in exchange for Lemon Kurds filled with Heroin that were sold on the black market in Tokyo). Chris was soon one of W.E.S.S.Y.D.H.T.I.I. Ltd’s top employees & was duly asked to represent the company on a local radio broadcast special on Local Sanitation. Chris seized the opportunity with both paws & soon had a fantasy alternative career forming deep inside the ether that passed for his brain. Amazingly, the radio station liked Chris’ no-nonsense, no-script, no-jokes, no-music, no-talent approach & installed him in the graveyard slot as a cultural experiment that would eventually go more than horribly wrong.

Chris was eventually headhunted by a Chelsea recruitment firm & offered the “drive-time” slot on BBC Radio Young. Chris could not believe his luck, his listeners could not believe that fatuous guttersnipe juvenilia was being passed off as quality radio by a massive servant of the public that really should have known better.

The Chris Spoilt Show immediately purchased a mountain of unused scripts, jokes & pranks from Jeremy Beagle, & installed Matthew Kiddefidler as vibe-master on all his broadcasts. Chris was given extensive training by Radio Old’s Steve Wrong who also supplied a aircraft hanger full of unused jokes he had left lying around from his early 80s peak.

Supermodels on his dick, people drowning in his luxury pool, cocaine fired fist fuck sessions with unwilling drugged partners – yes, Chris Spoilt had finally arrived. Courted by a succession of intelligence challenged page 3 girls, Chris was soon splashed all over the tabloids. He was offered an exclusive & highly lucrative contract to host a TV show on public access cable TV for Media Channel West 4. Initial viewing figures remained in single figures for many months until a petition signed by both pensioner residents of the Happy Valley Retirement Home, Bromley, brought about the termination of his contract after he admitted downloading indecent images of children eating cream cakes off the internet.

Sadly, Radio Young have not shown similar prudence & Chris Spoilt continues to “broadcast” on the BBC with no fear of impending legal action, remorse or any fear for his life. This is where you come in – find that fat cunt & bring him down – quick – for the sake of our children – this evil must be put to rest forever & a day. In the name of the Lord, I beseech you. Amen.

Reverend Albert Hall – trakMARX.com – Jan 2003

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