When she isnt sitting in front of a computer screen directing all the porn, security & revenge related shit she can find in the general direction of: wastebin@trakMARX.com
..everybodys favourite professional widow appears to be hell bent on shooting herself in the foot (as apposed to the head, eh Kurt?) with some hard-to-fathom celebrity outbursts.
So: all you dopers, pimps, junkies & voyeurs its the column you all been waiting for: welcome to Love Watch.
Things began to get a bit fishy just before Xmas when a US Doctor threatened to blow the gaff on the amount of prescription (for US readers, read bought off bent doctor) drugs being purchased on a regular basis by Ms Love. Exactly what purpose a kind, gentle, reasonable, level-headed, responsible parent would have for such a vast array of mind-altering substances has not been disclosed by Ms Love. Maybe theyre to aid her with the vigorous programme of recreational exercises she obviously employs daily to keep her new hard body in such stunning shape. Maybe she has them injected into her lips to aid that industrial strength pout. Maybe she just hangs with her rock star mates & shoots the shit. Shes threatened to fuck the doctor backwards in the Supreme Courts of The United States Of Whatever if he even so dares to fart in her general direction again.
WE SAY: Hey, doc. Dont travel by train at anytime during the next 25 years. She has a memory like an elephant (not the only thing she shares with the species).
Reports from the funeral of Joe Strummer suggested Ms Love had acted in an improper manner during the service & subsequent cremation. She was alleged to have sulked her way into the building in an attempt to out strop Patti Smith at Sonic Smiths wake. Tears, trembling bottom lips, trembling bottom, trembling Botox everything was a tremble that day. With no hint of the demure character shes portrayed since the untimely demise of her husband, Ms Love allegedly threw herself onto the casket wailing & generally gnashing her teeth. It could not be confirmed at the time of going to press, but rumours circulating currently also accuse Ms Love of attempting to remove objects from the surface of the casket as a keepsake.
WE SAY: Just because you were an extra in Straight To Hell, dont mean youre mates for life with the entire cast.
Ms Love is currently in Hawaii talking to producer, Bob Rock, with regard to commencing work on her debut solo LP. Ms Love has dropped plans to call her new act Bastard, after realising that Lars from Rancid has a far more viable claim to the moniker & has in fact been employing it for some time. A desperate Ms Love has since turned to Kelley Osborne, The Distillers & Eve in a attempt to bolster some belated cred. Ms Love is 38.
WE SAY: It really doesnt matter who you duet with, who produces you or who releases your records, because no one wants to own records that are haunted by intrinsic evil. You were shite before you married him, youre shite now, & the blimp has been up for some time. Wed carry on with the acting, if we were you (what a horrible thought).
Talking of acting last weeks Sunday Mercury carried a very interesting story claiming that Ms Love was in talks with the RSC about a possible roll in one of the Stratford Upon Avon based theatre companys winter 2003 productions. Quite why they would have to employ someone from out of the area to sell ice creams & programmes is frankly beyond us, & the Sunday Mercury, but the Bard works in mysterious ways.
WE SAY: Just ask us for a meet & well do it in public, Marquis Of Queensbury rules. We have a phalanx of small females of the species that are willing to represent us in a fight to the death.
..not content with the above embarrassing tomfoolery, Ms Love saved the best for last in Marchs (doesnt time fly in proper publishing land) Issue of Q Magazine. In a bizarre photo shoot that took place in London on 23 December (the day Joe died, fact fans), Ms Love stripped naked, poured champagne over her head & spent the early hours of the morning streaking around the posh Park Lane area of the city. Ms Love was officially in town to talk about her forthcoming ahem acting roll in Luc Bessons (a man once formally worshiped here @ tMX) adaptation of Shakespeares Macbeth, tentatively entitled Miss June. Ms Love was also attempting to resurrect her flagging music career. Ms Love was having her bikini line waxed when the photographer arrived & screamed, Wax my anus, to anyone whod listen. She then paraded around the room saying, Do I look good for my age? Judging by the pictures, the surgery is holding up well. See, its always advisable to have the most expensive products if you want to sustain quality, er, right Kurt? At the time of going to press Ms Love was STILL without a record deal.
WE SAY: In response to yr. question, Ms Love, you look like a 40-year-old drag queen. Maybe theres a space for you on stage for fun with Handsome Dick & Jane.
The Katestar trakMARX.com Jan 2003