Love Watch
smile
Love Watch.

When she isn’t sitting in front of a computer screen directing all the porn, security & revenge related shit she can find in the general direction of: wastebin@trakMARX.com

..everybody’s favourite professional widow appears to be hell bent on shooting herself in the foot (as apposed to the head, eh Kurt?) with some hard-to-fathom celebrity outbursts.

So: all you dopers, pimps, junkies & voyeurs – it’s the column you all been waiting for: welcome to Love Watch.

Things began to get a bit fishy just before Xmas when a US Doctor threatened to blow the gaff on the amount of “prescription” (for US readers, read “bought off bent doctor”) drugs being purchased on a regular basis by Ms Love. Exactly what purpose a kind, gentle, reasonable, level-headed, responsible parent would have for such a vast array of mind-altering substances has not been disclosed by Ms Love. Maybe they’re to aid her with the vigorous programme of recreational exercises she obviously employs daily to keep her new hard body in such stunning shape. Maybe she has them injected into her lips to aid that industrial strength pout. Maybe she just hangs with her rock star mates & shoots the shit. She’s threatened to fuck the doctor backwards in the Supreme Courts of The United States Of Whatever if he even so dares to fart in her general direction again.

WE SAY: Hey, doc. Don’t travel by train at anytime during the next 25 years. She has a memory like an elephant (not the only thing she shares with the species).

Reports from the funeral of Joe Strummer suggested Ms Love had acted in an improper manner during the service & subsequent cremation. She was alleged to have sulked her way into the building in an attempt to out strop Patti Smith at Sonic Smith’s wake. Tears, trembling bottom lips, trembling bottom, trembling Botox – everything was a tremble that day. With no hint of the demure character she’s portrayed since the untimely demise of her husband, Ms Love allegedly “threw herself onto the casket wailing & generally gnashing her teeth”. It could not be confirmed at the time of going to press, but rumours circulating currently also accuse Ms Love of attempting to remove objects from the surface of the casket as a keepsake.

WE SAY: Just because you were an extra in “Straight To Hell”, don’t mean you’re mates for life with the entire cast.

Ms Love is currently in Hawaii talking to “producer”, Bob Rock, with regard to commencing work on her debut solo LP. Ms Love has dropped plans to call her new “act” Bastard, after realising that Lars from Rancid has a far more viable claim to the moniker & has in fact been employing it for some time. A desperate Ms Love has since turned to Kelley Osborne, The Distillers & Eve in a attempt to bolster some belated cred. Ms Love is 38.

WE SAY: It really doesn’t matter who you duet with, who produces you or who releases your records, because no one wants to own records that are haunted by intrinsic evil. You were shite before you married him, you’re shite now, & the blimp has been up for some time. We’d carry on with the “acting”, if we were you (what a horrible thought).

Talking of “acting” – last week’s Sunday Mercury carried a very interesting story claiming that Ms Love was “in talks” with the RSC about a possible roll in one of the Stratford Upon Avon based theatre company’s winter 2003 productions. Quite why they would have to employ someone from out of the area to sell ice creams & programmes is frankly beyond us, & the Sunday Mercury, but the Bard works in mysterious ways.

WE SAY: Just ask us for a meet & we’ll do it in public, Marquis Of Queensbury rules. We have a phalanx of small females of the species that are willing to represent us in a fight to the death.

And finally..

..not content with the above embarrassing tomfoolery, Ms Love saved the best for last in March’s (doesn’t time fly in proper publishing land) Issue of Q Magazine. In a “bizarre” photo shoot that took place in London on 23 December (the day Joe died, fact fans), Ms Love stripped naked, poured champagne over her head & spent the early hours of the morning “streaking” around the posh Park Lane area of the city. Ms Love was “officially” in town to talk about her forthcoming “ahem” acting roll in Luc Besson’s (a man once formally worshiped here @ tMX) adaptation of Shakespeare’s Macbeth, tentatively entitled “Miss June”. Ms Love was also attempting to “resurrect” her flagging music career. Ms Love was having her bikini line waxed when the photographer arrived & screamed, “Wax my anus”, to anyone who’d listen. She then paraded around the room saying, “Do I look good for my age?” Judging by the pictures, the surgery is holding up well. See, it’s always advisable to have the most expensive products if you want to sustain quality, er, right Kurt? At the time of going to press Ms Love was STILL without a record deal.

WE SAY: In response to yr. question, Ms Love, you look like a 40-year-old drag queen. Maybe there’s a space for you on stage for fun with Handsome Dick & Jane.

The Katestar – trakMARX.com – Jan 2003
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