War On Cool.
Cool. Kool. Scmhool. It comes to something when even yr. local undertaker looks yr. dearly departed up & down with a studied eye, turns to you (the mourner), & says,Well do her proud shell look cool.
Todays kool is tomorrows kold.
Everythings cool. Cool runnings. Cool & out. Be cool, this is a robbery. The ball just floated in from the left, I stuck me leg out & the ball just went in the net it was cool. I just walked to the North Pole it was cool. I just slept in the freezer last night. It was fucking cool. Cool. Kool. Cool.
So, were all guilty. Right? We all over use the word. Maybe its time to take in a quick definition & try to work out why we cant seem to think of any other adjectives.
Cool (pro: Ku:l) adjective: 1.At a fairly low temperature. 2.Suggesting or achieving coolness.3.Calm.4.Lacking enthusiasm.5.Unfriendly.6.Audacious.7.(slang)Fashionable.
Lets just run that by one more time: lacking enthusiasm, unfriendly, audacious surely they cant be talking about the WHY? Generation, can they?
Why are we so meaningless?
Why have we no role models?
Why do we try so hard to impress?
Why cant we define the following: substance, integrity, not doing it for the money, the work ethic.
Bored with being cool? Why not try any one of the following Oxford Dictionary cool substitutes: chilled, chilly, cold, iced, refreshing, unheated.
Next time your Hoxton Finned Tesco shelf stacker wanders off to find you some pasta & returns with a tin of Heinz Spaghetti Shapes just shrug & say, Thats unheated, guy.
Next time yr. hairdresser combs through yr. mop, cuts out two strands & says, Thatll look sharper for a few weeks. Just pout & say, Refreshing, man.
Next time yr. shopping for a new snow boarding jacket & the sales assistant spends 1/2 an hour selling you a new Columbia Parka, just look sun blind & say, Iced, dude.
Origins Of The Word: Cool.
Cool is strictly hippy vernacular. It belongs in the Museum Of The 60s, along with George Harrisons nose flute, Jim Morisons incontinence pants & Gerry Garcias roach clip. Hippy speak was all but eradicated by Punk rock during the Punk Rock wars of the late 70s. Only old bearded second hand record shop owners or Antiques dealers would refer to you as man or describe the disc/Victorian chaise long you were about to purchase as: a really cool item. Cool was ridiculed, cast aside with the flowers in the dustbin. Out went man too, & vibe, & far out, fab, groovy & chick. Hundreds of appalling adjectives were sliced from our language & cast aside with contempt. Being hip, hep or, in some extreme cases, hop, was just no longer where it was at.
So Why The Fuck Are You All So Lazy?
In pretty much the same way kids of today struggle to produce anything of artistic merit, substance or intrinsic worth, they similarly fail to invent a language of their own. They are clearly as content ripping off The Gang Of Four as they are happy to use a previous generations slang. Lazy is as lazy does. I blame the E-Generation: befuddled by Ecstasy, Cocaine & angel dust, they just couldnt be bothered & simply imported their language wholesale from 1967. The supporting cast of white boy rocker lights of the day (Ian Brown, Lee Mavers, Shaun Ryder) couldnt move past the mono-syllabic, whilst the later mono-brow Gallagher chancers couldnt move past their copy of the Beatles song book. Nice one, top one, sorted, have it, large.
So Where Do We Go From Here?
Its war! There is no alternative. UN Language inspectors have been inside The Storkes for nearly 3 months but have as yet failed to uncover evidence of adjectives of mass destruction. These routine inspections must continue, on both sides of the Atlantic. Cool Abuse must be stamped out before the kids of the world fall asleep, racked with tedium, infected by Yawn viruses, unable to form sentences.
How Do We Fight This Good Fight?
Demand a higher standard of linguistic excellence from your entertainers (if thats all theyve become). Wage war with anger & bring down a furious retribution in the general direction of all things cool. Your three main weapons are: violence, sarcasm & projectiles (solid or liquid). Go to the following shows when these artistes are in town & clearly define for them exactly how bored you are with people being cool: The Storkes, Interflora, Radio 5 Live, The Lying Frauds, The No No Nos, The Litterbins, The Shite Stipes, The Toyotas, The Vinyards & most very definitely Jet.
The Katestar trakMARX.com Jan 2003