War on cool - make tea, not war!
War On Cool.

Cool. Kool. Scmhool. It comes to something when even yr. local undertaker looks yr. dearly departed up & down with a studied eye, turns to you (the mourner), & says,”We’ll do her proud – she’ll look cool”.

Today’s kool is tomorrow’s kold.

Everything’s cool. Cool runnings. Cool & out. Be cool, this is a robbery. The ball just floated in from the left, I stuck me leg out & the ball just went in the net – it was cool. I just walked to the North Pole – it was cool. I just slept in the freezer last night. It was fucking cool. Cool. Kool. Cool.

So, we’re all guilty. Right? We all over use the word. Maybe it’s time to take in a quick definition & try to work out why we can’t seem to think of any other adjectives.


Cool (pro: Ku:l) – adjective: 1.At a fairly low temperature. 2.Suggesting or achieving coolness.3.Calm.4.Lacking enthusiasm.5.Unfriendly.6.Audacious.7.(slang)Fashionable.

Let’s just run that by one more time: lacking enthusiasm, unfriendly, audacious – surely they can’t be talking about the WHY? Generation, can they?

Why are we so meaningless?
Why have we no role models?
Why do we try so hard to impress?
Why can’t we define the following: substance, integrity, not doing it for the money, the work ethic.

Bored with being cool? Why not try any one of the following Oxford Dictionary cool substitutes: chilled, chilly, cold, iced, refreshing, unheated.

Lifestyle Examples:

Next time your Hoxton Finned Tesco shelf stacker wanders off to find you some pasta & returns with a tin of Heinz Spaghetti Shapes – just shrug & say, “That’s unheated, guy”.

Next time yr. hairdresser combs through yr. mop, cuts out two strands & says, “That’ll look sharper for a few weeks”. Just pout & say, “Refreshing, man.”

Next time yr. shopping for a new snow boarding jacket & the sales assistant spends 1/2 an hour selling you a new Columbia Parka, just look sun blind & say, “Iced, dude.”

Origins Of The Word: Cool.

Cool is strictly hippy vernacular. It belongs in the Museum Of The 60s, along with George Harrison’s nose flute, Jim Morison’s incontinence pants & Gerry Garcia’s roach clip. Hippy speak was all but eradicated by Punk rock during the Punk Rock wars of the late 70s. Only old bearded second hand record shop owners or Antiques dealers would refer to you as “man” or describe the disc/Victorian chaise long you were about to purchase as: a “really cool item”. Cool was ridiculed, cast aside with the flowers in the dustbin. Out went “man” too, & “vibe”, & “far out”, “fab”, “groovy” & “chick”. Hundreds of appalling adjectives were sliced from our language & cast aside with contempt. Being hip, hep or, in some extreme cases, hop, was just no longer “where it was at”.

So Why The Fuck Are You All So Lazy?

In pretty much the same way kids of today struggle to produce anything of artistic merit, substance or intrinsic worth, they similarly fail to invent a language of their own. They are clearly as content ripping off The Gang Of Four as they are happy to use a previous generation’s slang. Lazy is as lazy does. I blame the E-Generation: befuddled by Ecstasy, Cocaine & “angel dust”, they just couldn’t be bothered & simply imported their language wholesale from 1967. The supporting cast of white boy rocker lights of the day (Ian Brown, Lee Mavers, Shaun Ryder) couldn’t move past the mono-syllabic, whilst the later mono-brow Gallagher chancers couldn’t move past their copy of the Beatles song book. Nice one, top one, sorted, have it, large.

So Where Do We Go From Here?

It’s war! There is no alternative. UN Language inspectors have been inside The Storkes for nearly 3 months but have as yet failed to uncover evidence of adjectives of mass destruction. These routine inspections must continue, on both sides of the Atlantic. Cool Abuse must be stamped out before the “kids” of the world fall asleep, racked with tedium, infected by Yawn viruses, unable to form sentences.

How Do We Fight This Good Fight?

Demand a higher standard of linguistic excellence from your “entertainers” (if that’s all they’ve become). Wage war with anger & bring down a furious retribution in the general direction of all things cool. Your three main weapons are: violence, sarcasm & projectiles (solid or liquid). Go to the following “shows” when these “artistes” are in town & clearly define for them exactly how bored you are with people being cool: The Storkes, Interflora, Radio 5 Live, The Lying Frauds, The No No Nos, The Litterbins, The Shite Stipes, The Toyotas, The Vinyards & most very definitely – Jet.

The Katestar – trakMARX.com – Jan 2003

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