It's a horrorscope
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It’s A Horrorscope, Come On Down!

Star Date: 2003. The Litterbins, The Shite Stipes, The Storkes, The No No No Oh Alright Thens, The Martini Sherry Trifles, The Who-The-Fucks??, The Kool Aids, The 80s Corgi Circle Line Cancellation – just who is gonna rule the lapels & satchels of the world’s youth this semester?

Round about this time of the year professional hacks & publishing concerns the globe over wheel out the crystal ball & gaze longingly into the ether for hours & hours (or until the cheque express clears) searching for a sign. Who’s gonna be big in guitars this time out? 20 essential bands you must see in 2003. Top 10 tips for the top. We don’t care if you’ve heard of them or not, we don’t care if they actually exists or not, we don’t care if they recorded the LP we’re raving about 7 years ago – this lot are gonna be fucking massive & we heard of them before you did. In fact, we used to go to school with the guitarist’s sister & she’s still got all the scraps of paper they wrote that album on, & she’s gonna stick em up on Ebay with a letter of authentication from their webmaster: bidding starts at £327.00.

Just so you don’t think we’re a bunch of backwards, stuck in the mud, retro-obsessed Punks: here’s trakMARX.com’s guide to tout le monde hip, 2003:

1. The Skiffle revival – didn’t see that one coming, we must admit. But, now that it’s here, there always has been a Lonnie Donnigan influence to what we do, as I’m sure you’re aware.

2. Look out for tall Belgians with analogue synthesisers & grubby plastic carrier bags full of Faust LPs.

3. Be especially wary of older men in trendy t-shirts inviting you back for hot-knife “sessions”.

4. Keep yr. ears peeled for The Bank Accounts: they’re gonna be jammed full of bank notes of all different denominations & currencies throughout the ensuing 12 months. Payola, expenses, win bonuses – I’m sure you know the score.

5. Dead American Troops: they are gonna clean up this year, I’m telling you. Along with The Body Bags, they’re shaping up to be a real force to be reckoned with – fuck with them at yr. peril.

6. Courtney Love’s UK stage debut: apparently she’s been signed up for a new production of “Hamlet: The Overdose” at the RCS. We’ve already booked our tickets & are saving up for rotting vegetables as we type.

7. The New Black: much touted by residents of London By The Sea (Brighton, to those of you who are square) in 2002, this band are reportedly so lazy they can’t even be bothered to rehearse – or tune their guitars (maybe they guitar tech for The 80’s Cramps Obsessed Corgi Pile-Up).

8. Writing shit no one understands that can only be deciphered with a chunky knit OPD thesaurus.

9. Hunting Snowboarders: following the implementation of the impending UK ban on fox hunting, bored horse riders with nothing to murder will instead shoot snowboarders on the piste. Don’t worry though: seeing as only rich people can afford to do either “sport”, they’ll only be killing their own.

10. Personalised Credit Card Number Plates: Rich people always need new & interesting ways to throw their money away & one Bradford company has come up with the perfect solution to suit rich & poor alike. The new style number plates will display the credit card number of the driver, complete with expiry date. Poor people standing at the roadsides of the UK will thus be enabled to partake in fraudulent transactions to their hearts content re-distributing the wealth of a nation as they go. Britain’s bingo-ing mad for spending other people’s money.

What ever shit you end up digging in 2003, we can almost exclusively guarantee you are not going to read about it here first. We have absolutely no idea what will turn on the kids of the world this year & are still fairly confident we had no idea what was going down in 2002 either. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but none of us are remotely qualified to be doing what we’re doing. Sure hope that don’t spoil yr. enjoyment none! Happy 2003.

Mystic Brian – www.trakMARX.com - Jan 2003
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