This Issues postbag has been edited by The Katestar, one of the shining new lights in the tMx office. The Katestar purloined her journalistic experience during 3 long years as Kango & Bass correspondent for the RSPCAs Blue Cross magazine. The Katestar takes her Border Collie, Jack (a feisty young pup of no particular intelligence), everywhere she goes & the tMx office floor has consequently been covered in small clumps of black & white hair ever since her arrival & subsequent appointment!
Letter Of The Issue.
Just wanted to drop you a quick note to say thanx. Thanx for not being shit, like all the other music magazines out there. You may get things wrong from time to time but at least you care or very much appear to. I like that, very much. I think. Im going to send our new demo in just as soon as weve recorded it. My band is a blend of Quiet/Loud atmospherics, Tortoisian beatnik jazz reappraisal & Fortean dynamics were called PROGWAI! (the ! is very important, by the way. Ooh, & it goes at the end. Some wag recently stuck it in the middle: PRO!GWAI on some of the handbills for our most recent gig flyers & we ended up looking like proper Charlies - & we cant have that. Can we?
Duncan Dragg, Lead Kango/Rythym Projector for Progwai. Bristol.
Hey, Dunc. Fuck knows what yr. doing reading this shit. We fucking hate Tortoise here. Nice moniker, however. Made me laff. £50s worth of WH Smith Do It All Vouchers are on their way to you now. The Katestar.
I presuming none of you guys/girls get paid a red cent for the sterling work you do on behalf of the Punk Rock Community. I think thats fundamentally out of order, but accept that I would rather see you lot poor than be bombarded with banner ads & pop up crap selling me shit every time I fancy checking the length of your bandwidth. Long may you desist. Broad = Long. Dont forget that.
Designer Dave, SA.
Dave, much like my parents found it very difficult to forgive The Germans, I am still coming to terms with white people from South Africa actually being allowed to exist. Dont bother fobbing me off with the I was only following orders bull, cos it just wont wash. You were partying in the hills the whole time admit it. Bet youve got a Freddie Live @ Sun City tee too!! The Katestar.
Why are you always so nasty to The Vines? You chose their Factory EP as one of your top 10 singles of 2001 but have slagged the band mercilessly ever since. What gives? Craig is a fucking star & Highly Evolved was by far & away the best LP released in 2002.
Sue Nicholls, Brisbane.
Sue, Sue, Sue. Im presuming youre the same Sue Nicholls that has been Craigs Auntie Sue for the last 20 odd years. Dont you think Craigy is man/rich/intelligent enough to stand up for himself by now? All those big lawyers lined up behind him. That big management company. Just to put the record straight: Factory was an ace EP, but Craigy is already refusing to play the cut live as he obviously sees his career as having moved past that pivotal moment, already. Soppy songs about Mary Jane & smoking so called Odes To The Weed have to have a certain mystique (& some pretty nifty lyrics) attached or they just come across as tedious juvenile obsessing which, come to think about it, sums up Highly Evolved perfectly. Nirvana were shit, anyway. The Katestar.
Hi, Ive just moved into the area & my husband is away on business a lot. I have just set up a web cam to capture me as I mend hobnail boots in my blacksmiths workshop completely in the nude. Find out what red-hot pokers & implements I employ to satisfy my aching sole @ www.clusterfuck.com/smithy
Love, Miriam Martin.
Miriam, I have some terrible news for you. Pull up a saddle & take some CALMS: Jean has hundreds of these kind of letters everyday he just presses delete. Now get over it. Porn is for sad people. The Katestar.
I was leaving the Boston Arms the other week when I happened to puke up over that bloke who used to play guitar in Blur. Who is that sad cunt trying to kid? Faux Indie/smchmindy/Windy Miller ephemeral card wrapped bollocks. I was particularly pleased with myself as Id had a King Prawn & Anchovy Batli, Special Fried Rice, a House Nan & 7 pints of Cobra only 3 hours before the incident. I have taken a photo shall I send it in?
L8trz, Chatty Chap. Chiswick.
Chatty, you obviously have a way with food. Have a word with Jamie Oliver we may be able to get you & Graham on the telly - very soon. The Katestar.
I used to play guitar in The Kool Aids. We were picked up by Quality Unlimited English Eccentric Representation management in 1999 & signed to WEA publishing in 2000. We received a recoupable advance of £135,000 against the sales of any future recordings but duly failed to attract any record company interest, whatsoever. We put ourselves on wages & the advance was completely spent by Jan of 2002. WEA are now taking us to court for the return of their advance & our manager has disappeared with the accounts. The accountant has also set a debt-collecting agency on us & I have had to move squat 3 times in the last 3 weeks. Can you recommend a suitable music business lawyer to try & rescue some pride for us?
Yours hopefully, Tristan Fellows. Euston.
Trist, you really are a bit of a twat, arent you? I take it the rest of the band were morons too. Rule 1 of how to not make it in the music industry is ALWAYS: self publish, self release. Got it? Good, now fuck off & leave us alone. The Katestar.
Thanks a bunch for The Xmas Oil War Issue I laughed my arse off all over the Xmas period, & then some. I can tell ya. I particularly like the way you incorporate humour, fact & total bullshit in the simple sweep of a lone metaphorical brush. A brusque mannerist canvas, already. Cut the crap & get a job with Rolling Stone magazine, already. They need you.
Harvey Motorhome, Chicago.
Harv, you war mongering poodle baiting overweight fascist scumbag. Get back down the oil well where you belong - already. The Katestar.
Dear Mr Encoule,
I have recently come into a small fortune following the death of my employer & mentor, Mr Ronald Umbago Detention Centre the 3rd. The only problem is that the sum of at least £137,000.78p in US Francs is locked in a bank account that is not in my name or yours. Before my good friend Mr Ronald passed away, he left me in no doubt (whatsoever) that the fortune would one day belong to me & my family in the strictest interests of me, myself & I. I saw your profile on the Intrenet & knew Id been finding the perfect amicable sollutioning to my predicament when I saw your name. All you have I require for you to do me is: send a cheque/postal order/money transfer for $43,000.37 in Belgian Punts made out to Trans World Airlines Tours & I will secure the loan deposit to forward your thank yous commission officially into your bank account sort code office, immediately I receive clearance from my bankers to confirm the transfers windowers have been closed. In the interim, if you would be kind enough to send your bank account number, sort code, date of birth, address, passport number & electoral register reference number I will begin to make your fortune come true for you. I would respectingfully require to request you keep this most undercover of operation agreements strictly between you & I (or I & I if youre reading this in The West Indies) as the CIA/FBI are bending the Scooby snacks on my rig.
Thank you in anticipation. Reginald Dwight Twilley Adams, Zimbabwe.
Reg, why dont I believe you? You seem so sincere, theres just that little something out of place. Cant put my finger on it. The Katestar.
Mark your letters Letters To The Editor - & direct them at the usual hole: firstname.lastname@example.org
A raft of handy vouchers & discount ticket stub booklets await the authors of the most amusing missive per issue. Get scribing!