Letters to the editor.
The wastebin @ trakMARX.com has recently begun to overflow with missives, poison pen letters, diatribes, rantings, observations, complaints & press releases from desperate record companies. Many of these are wildly entertaining, mildly amusing & amusingly droll.
A selection of the very best will now be printed every month. There is a cache of prizes for the de-constructive authors of any we deem fit enough to print, so dont forget to supply a snail mail address for your swag (should you be lucky enough to win, that is).
This issues letters are edited by Wayne Cocaine.
Dear Jean & all you trakMARX pussys,
Thanx a bunch for fuck-all, sucker. Just wanted to say that you & your gang of queer arsed commie mother fucking cock-suckers are peddling Un-American ideals. Remember, bitch, weve got weapons of mass destruction & we arent afraid to use them. Just as soon as weve Napalmed Iraq well be coming after you & your buddies.
You best believe.
Roger Irritable Colon Bowel. USofA (email@example.com
W.C. Bring it on, motherfuckers.
I was most distressed when my daughter brought to my attention the odious article printed in Issue 5 of trakMARX entitled Nazi Landowners Fuck Off. I, for one, would just like to say that when my family originally decided to move from our luxurious estate at the heart of the Hapsburg Empire & annex Canterbury & its surrounding farmland I had absolutely no idea that mere centuries later my family & I would attract such venomous hatred from some quarters of the British press. In my defence I would say that my family fought in both world wars (albeit on the side of Germany) & that we have constantly done a hell of a lot of work for charity (albeit German charities). Its certainly not my fault that my childrens pocket money is substantially higher that the national average weekly wage. Just because people have worked jolly hard for centuries stealing & cheating their way to a small fortune doesnt make them nasty people per se. Your childish & blinkered views are surely a sad condemnation of the state of political awareness in the UK presently. Needless to say, I have banned my daughter from accessing your site again & distributed your URL to my comrades in the Real CLA, the Real IRA & the Real Madrid.
The Right Honourable Martin H Boreman (firstname.lastname@example.org
W.C. The prosecution rests....
Thanx for the brilliant 39 page Caravan feature it rocked like a chair. Hows about some more Amun Dull a discography would be nice or a critical reappraisal of the 13-song cycle that makes up side 14 of their second LP, Another Dull Morning. Any idea when the Jethro Tull re-issue programme kicks in?
Twink, Cambridge (email@example.com
W.C. Youve been reading the wrong zine, buddy.
Call yourself a journalist youre nothing but a bag of shit tied up with rusty chicken wire. Youd never get a job on a proper paper.
Only joking, darling. Your shit is so hot it could solve the world energy crisis on its own. Give George W a call & tell him he dont need that oil after all.
James Pursey. Hersham
W.C. Oh, I get it.
I dont know if your interested, but I planted one of Pete Frames early family trees in my garden back in 1974 & these days I am the proud owner of a whole forest of Rock Family Trees. Some are little more that saplings, I grant you, but as a whole they provide a stunning insight into the very tapestry of British Rock history. I am considering opening my forest up to members of the general public for a nominal entrance fee (with complimentary recorded guide & headphones). Would you be interested in sponsoring such a venture? Needless to say, an advertising opportunity like this only comes around once in a very blue moon & I strongly advise you to take advantage of this exclusive offer while you can.
David Tibet, Reading (firstname.lastname@example.org
W.C. Well be in touch
Dont forget you can also ring us direct & hurl abuse down the phone at us by calling:
020 7840 9200 any time of the day 24/7.