Will this do?
What is it with every freakin two-bob IPC cunt these days? Lazy. Is. As. Lazy. Does. Fed up with having nothing that is generation-ally original to their time frame, they have to constantly refer back to another, infinitely hipper, generation’s detritus for inspiration.

Somehow; "(insert name of new band yr. building yr. new scene concept around) come on like that computer programmer from Orbital fronting "baggy" era Blur, except with much more ostentatious comedy light glasses & 50% less engaging tunes", doesn’t set yr. arse on fire causing you to race down to the CD concessions counter & Sainsburys – does it?

Well, for fuck’s sake - go tell ‘em.

The grown ups are as bad as the kids, too. The following examples were culled from recent issues of (allegedly) highbrow (top-shelf) titles: Mofo & Ucunt.

"A bit like a fight between The Stooges & The MC5 in a Tupperware lunch box – in a garlic & orange salad dressing."

"Before I dig into the quantum specifics of this sophomore effort, I should first drop a few (exclusive) names into the mix & rub this spunk stain of my Marillion t-shirt."

"They sound like Imelda Markos fronting Test Department."

"For the benefit of any sensitive 6th form poets reading this, the gulf between Coleridge’s wailing for his demon lover & Wolf’s incredulity at the contemporary over the counter price of Laudanum in this rural cultural back water, is synonymous only within the context in which is indubitably set."

"They remind me of a young Margaret Thatcher stabbing Bogshed repeatedly in the nose with a rusty Yamaha 472 XZ."

"They burn with the intensity of a small fire made from a petrol doused Brian Molko nestling on a bed of Suede members marinated in kerosene."

"His voice has a grainy surge to it that only serves to resonate its timbre further, rather like separating one of Ian Anderson’s bollocks from the other & Fed-Ex Expressing it to Mali."

"Shades of Nick Drake, the press release claims – we always preferred Charlie Drake around these parts – or a nice bit of Francis."

"Following their explosive performance at this years UN Bomber Festival in Frankfurt, Incendiary are finally beginning to live up to their name. The CD version of the LP ignites when loaded into yr. stereo – melting yr. music centre, yr. heart & the charred limbs of next door’s 3 children (all under 4) trapped in their bedrooms by the acrid smoke & incinerated in the subsequent street fire."

"The LP reminded me of getting back to the journalist’s forward area bicycle park at Altamont only to discover some bastard had nicked the chain off of my bike – I remember turning to Mick Jagger & saying, ‘Honestly, what on earth is someone going to use that for?’"

"Rock music is dead – burn all guitars."

"The causes celebres of the Dutch Techo Underground Resistance has come up smelling of Tulips once again. This 24/7 colloquial rave up is happening without yr.consent &, quite possibly, outside the normal parameters of yr.actual interest. Still, 347,000 Belgians can’t be wrong – can they?"

"The pungent narrative employed here salutes the 17th century weavers movement that played such a large part in the eventual downfall of Olaff 3rd of Morvenia & consequently elevates the current King of Icelandic Dining Room-Core to such an exalted position that no-one else operating in this genre can touch him."

"Puns aside, the title does have some pertinence, appertaining, as it does, to the highly fraudulent expenses incurred during my recent trip to NYC to reassure Yoko Ono that she is still vaguely relevant."

"These sonic terrorists have been ploughing their particular brand of furrow for over 40 years now – mixing their stock guitar abuse with DEX&FX, random samples & breakbeat technology is a stroke of genius worthy of comparison to Sir Paul MaCartney’s recent excursions into Scottish Ragga 2 Step."

"They resolutely remain the paradoxical champs of the subterranean poptone forest & hopefully they got there before Robert Smith turned up with his chainsaw."

"To the casual onlooker, starting fires with members of David Bowie tribute bands is a bit like building a melody out of harmonies, texture & artex – indifference & candour permeate in equal measure – forever condemned to repeat in unison – to infinity."

"They unleash casual violence & questionable morals in a perfect blend of ska’d up alt.jazz in dub."

"Didn’t get their first 17 Lp’s, I’m afraid to say – but Sally in the post-room say’s they sound like Oasis singing in Taiwanese jamming with Fatboy Slim & Alec Empire - its been a pretty slow week for Asian gabba-core so far – so what the heck. Single Of The Week & Every Other Week. Word. P.S. – Has anyone got a copy? I haven’t actually heard it yet."

Guy Debored – trakMARX.com – June 2002

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