Two Bob Cunt Of The Month

C’mon, baby, kick em in the leather clad nuts – it’s too hot to be wearing trousers like that. Accessorise that Nazi chic, honeypot – hang em high – it’s cunt of the month.

Boaby Gillespeee was born inside a bass drum on a high-rise housing estate in East Kilbride on 27th Feb, 1957. At the age of 7 he moved just a wee bit down the road to the Anne Kirkbride Estate, where he began attending the local primary skool. Boaby was often in big trouble with his teachers due to his uncompromising working methods & his obsession with collecting obscure vinyl. He was a tall, gangly, unruly, obstinate & unoriginal young boy who liked nothing more than to sit in his bedroom approximating the sounds he heard from his dancette.

Boaby was considered somewhat of a rebel during his formative years – his drug abuse, reliance on alcohol & inability to have an original idea set him apart as an outcast. He ploughed all his energy into growing a Brian Jones bowl cut in always fashionable (dyed) black. He would stand around bus stops for hours practising his trademark slouch & scowl. He was white crap that talked back.

Boaby’s first serious brush with the authorities occurred during his O-Level exams. Finding the questions far too taxing for his meagre brain, Boaby attempted to bring his pal, Dr Alex Pattercake, into skool to remix his exam answers. The teachers took a dim view of such tactics & immediately expelled Boaby.

Boaby immediately decided to form a Punk Rock band, but in the end settled for putting together Primary Skool – a mildly jangly combo with a preference for lame pseudo 60’s psyche. Boaby augmented his time with The Skool by doubling up on drums for the Weed brothers eclectic new Velvet Underground tribute band, The Jesus This Mary Jane’s Strong.

Primary Skool continued to rehearse & gig & were rapidly signed to Alan MaGoo’s Created Records & released their debut single, which apart from being on Created, had very little going for it.

Boaby’s job with The Jesus This Mary Jane’s Strong began to take its toll. The 20-minute sets, standing up to play the drums & the constant riots were well getting on his slender tits. In a fit of pique he jacked it all in to concentrate on Primary Skool’s debut LP & tracing bulk stocks of paisley shirts & leather trousers.

The debut Primary Skool LP was released to almost total ambivalence. A heady blend of 60’s gargage, Byrdsian jangle & other people’s ideas, it was rapidly disowned by band, label, distributor & members of Gillespeee’s own family.

Gillespee was shocked by the failure of the LP & decided to reconvene with old pal, Alan MaGoo, @ Created. The pair decided it was time to cash in on the underground acid house vibe movement that was eating up the nation like a giant hoover smacked out of it’s operating system on PCP & cider tabs. Using the old O Level plan was to prove a masterstroke – Boaby invited someone else’s best mate, Andy Weathergirl, to reconstruct, re-evaluate & rebuild the LP. Posh musician & classically trained bozo, David Poppycock, was drafted into the Skool to aid Boaby, Throbert & Martini Dufus (ex-Feeled).

The resultant LP – "Skooladinnerca" – was destined to become a classik of it’s genre & a template for a generation – anyone can do it – that was the mantra. Old mucker, Dr Alex Pattercake, was invited down to remix a couple of trax. The results were to stun a sycophantic & supportive press – "Skooladinnerca" raised Primary Skool towards world domination – oysters were dripping from every ceiling.

Boaby immediately retreated inside his shell into a constant nightmare generated by very strong acid, PCP, Smack, Coke, Speedballs, Dragons, Washed Rocks, Skunk & drugs. Boaby would only communicate with callers using other people’s lyrics:

"We’re still one step ahead of you,
I still believe in the R&R dream,
R&R as primal scream,
Tied to the puritan ethic,
Non-sympathetic to spastics.
After all he’s still a lonely bastard,
Egg-heads, bone-heads queue – queue for them,
We were early & we were late - but still –
Live from the witch trials."

Primary Skool eventually ran out of money to buy drugs & were forced to record a new LP in the US of A. They flew down to some old recording studio where some old band or other had once recorded a famous LP & recorded a really shit LP that sounded exactly like a band with very few original ideas that had relied on a producer last time out & were this time hoping to capture some of the zeitgeist of the aforementioned old band.

"Don’t Give Out, Give Up" was eventually released to absolutely no critical acclaim whatsoever. It was slagged mercilessly by an uncaring, fickle music press who couldn’t believe The Skool had gone from being the Borb to The Strolling Groans in less than the time it took to skore, trip & come-down off of a Big Whopperburger.

Boaby was confused, hungover & all out of other people’s ideas. It was time to bring in some fresh blood. Manly, ex-bass playa from The Stoned Roses, was brought in to replace David Poppycock. The band embarked on a much harder, retro-electro, nu-techo, jazz-revisionist, fuzz-dup tip. Titles were arranged using the Burroughs cut up method & soundtrak samples from obscure 70’s kung-fu car-chase movies. The resultant recordings were eventually released as "Vanishing Sales" on 3" red star-shaped vinyl, 7", 12", CD, CD-ROM, Casstette, Mini Disc, Audiophile & 8 trak cartridge in an attempt to "fully realise the potential" of cross-threaded marketing niche expansion placement. The band toured to support the release - flirting with Nazi imagery, military chic, de-militarised cheek, analogue amplifiers & very old keyboards like that bloke out of Faust used to rate. Boaby began to change his hairstyle on a daily basis, hang around with chain smoking super models & ride about on push-bikes. Although critically well received, the public was never going to fall for the same scam again & "Vanishing Sales" disappeared rapidly from the charts without troubling the skorers too much.

Like a stubborn stain, The Skool refused to split, get proper jobs & settle down with a family, a pipe & an allotment. Instead they recorded yet another vershun on the theme of "Skooladinnerca", this time calling it "XCRMNTR".

The LP featured the frankly hilarious "Swastika Arse", along with a trak featuring Boaby swearing like a skoolboy on an abandoned quadrangle. This time they’d tried so hard they’d believed their own press – dangerous men, dangerous times - dangerous touring with wheelchairs, Zimmer frames & full paramedical support units. Manly was even forced to have old lessons.

Desperate to be loved & determined not to be consigned to the history books – Boaby invited Keving "Green" Sheilds of My Bloody Varicose Veins to join the Skool on extra gtr duties. He had appeared briefly on the previous LP & was by now keen to work with The Skool. Having failed miserably to record a follow-up to 1884’s "Hopeless", Keving knew he’d found the work ethic parameters to suit his particular brand of lazyness & duly signed up.

The all-new Primary Skool have just finished recording their new LP, "Evil Kenevil". It is rumoured to catch the eclectic majesty of "Skooladinnerca", the majestic eclecticism of "Vanishing Stains", & the shapes, sounds & moves of Can, Kraftwerk & Neu.

Whoever the fuck they’ve ripped off this time, it will still have Boaby’s stilted, flat, toneless, morbid moaning plastered all over it like an skin infection.

We don’t need to implore you to boycott this shoddy release – you’ve done a fairly good job of not buying any of the others – but we would advise that if you are unfortunate enough to be alone with Boaby, Manly, Throb, Martini & Keving in a room with a stage, lights & a PA – stand very much at the front & simply shout;

"Oi, you lanky streak of Skotch mist piss – try having some original ideas of yr. own once in yr. fucking life – you two bob auld cunt."

Evan Halshaw – trakMARX – July 2002.
Bit of quality: www.vanishingpointcar.com

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