Cuntess Of The Month

This month sees the execution of one of the 21st century’s most tedious media whores. Fame-junkie, murderess & semi-pro corporate fellatio expert, Costly Lurv. Hang em high, baby – it’s cuntess of the month.

Costly Lurv was born in a trailer park trashcan on the out skirts of Buttfuck, Idaho, in 1969. Her parents were semi-professional alcoholic drug addicts with a penchant for robbing, bumming & fraud. Costly proved to be a difficult young girl in her early years – she was expelled from kindergarten for blowing off the janitor in exchange for heroin at the tender age of 4. She had a major junk problem by the age of 9, & spent the next 5 years of her life in & out of state sponsored rehab. Her father hung himself in 1981 after being threatened with physical violence by a well know Kansas drug baron regarding the sizeable debts incurred by his daughter.

Costly’s teenage heroine was Nancy Spungen, & from the age of 14 Costly decided she was gonna find herself a Sid of her own. The next few years were spent honing her groupie skills; practising blow jobs on local ranch hands & business men in exchange for cocaine & Ludes. Around this time Costly decided she needed a career of her own to act as a vehicle to aid her search for her Sid. She set about making a small name for herself.

Before long, she scored a walk-off part in Alec Cock’s, "Straight 2 DVD", by fucking the casting director. She began to get a taste of the good life hanging out with the film’s rock star cast. Costly soon decided that if she wanted to find a rock star, then a rock band was what she needed to be in. Spotting a gap in the "grunge" marketplace for a female fronted band, she immediately set about forming her own outfit; Whore.

Whore set about securing a record deal. Costly handled most of the negotiations herself – behind closed-doors – horizontally. Whore signed to FuckIt Rekkids & set about recording their debut LP, "Pretty Well Used Insides". A blend of bandwagon jumping grunge & too late for the party Riot Grrl, it was met with critical ambivalence universally.

This all began to change when Costly met Kirk Kobalt, lead singer with Nevada, & spokesperson for his general hospital. Kirk was a weedy, needy, nurdy, whiney, trailer park kid himself. Costly could see the dollar signs in his eyes – she could see makeovers, plastic surgery, tit jobs, arse size reduction clinics – his world was her oyster. She insisted he kept a lucrative diary & began hyping Whore on the back of Nevada’s success. The couple fast became rock’s new royal family, a wild nobility – they soon had a family.

Costly gave birth to their child, Franklynetta Baked-Bean 57 Varieties Kobalt, in Seattle general hospital under heavy manners & very heavy sedation. The price of fame was already beginning to take its toll on sensitive Kirk – midway through an Italian tour to promote Nevada’s 3rd LP - he attempted to murder himself to death with a illegal drug overdose. Costly was livid – it failed. Kirk was rushed back to rehab in the US, cancelling the rest of the tour.
Suffering from increasingly painful stomach problems, as well as an escalating junk habit, Kirk’s problems were mounting faster than the dollar bills in the couple’s joint bank account. Fed up with rehab, & missing his gun collection badly, he bust out & headed home to the couple’s multi-million dollar trailer park style ranch house. Here, after injecting himself with enough heroin to knock out an elephant, he somehow managed to load a shotgun, lie on the floor & shoot himself in the head using his toes to pull the trigger. A hastily scribbled note told the world that it was better to buy Neil Young records than his, & the joint account became a single account in the name of Costly Lurv.

Not so very long afterwards, a big fat punk rock singer who’d been boasting he’d been paid by Costly to murder Kirk, fell under a train whilst waiting at a platform. Costly is now estimated to be one of the richest women in the USA. The rights to Kirk Kobalt’s diaries have recently been sold for $Umpteen M. A Nevada box set, film & TV series will be coming to a store near you soon.

Whore’s new LP, "Bastards", had it’s title stolen from Lars Frederickson. Cuntess.
Try the coffee: Seattle tips

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